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I’ll admit that I wanted it both ways.  And yes, that is a bisexuality pun.

My regular reader will remember, because I won’t shut up about it, that I’m bisexual.  My graphic novel memoir I Like Dick, I Like Vagina, I Like Me is still several years away at this point but that’s only because the publishers fail to see my brilliance and so I languish in obscurity.  Because I’m married however, and because my wife and I hold to a “No4e04373694d42160357fa0de675ac1b8 Sharing” policy, exploring my sexuality is often limited to the wonderfully perverted world of Tumblr or else my traditional outlets, books.  There’s a problem on this second front because as I said before I want it both ways, and this time it’s not a pun.  I have been, since I started reading works about Queer theory, looking for a book which would explore queer male sexuality while also not being ungodly academic.

Surprise surprise this has been difficult.

Most writing about sexuality between men remains rigidly fixed in academic analysis in which case your spending most of your time reading about Freud or Marxian realities inherent to Postmodern identity politics.  The other alternative is pornography, and as I stated before, Tumblr exists and seems to do a far better job at it then most erotic male writers I have read.  What has always been missing in book after book of male-male erotica is some level of intellectual exercise.  Reading about X putting his dick in Y’s mouth and or anus can be fun, but after a while the characters become archetypal nobodies and I wanted to explore sexuality not just scratch an itch.  It seemed then that there wasn’t any book out there where I could really get another person’s perspective on their sexuality in a way that was physically and psychological satisfying.41VeHz3o0FL

Until Half Price Books.  This chain has largely been responsible for whatever emotional development I’ve had with my sexuality because unlike the bookstores in my home town of Tyler, Texas, they carry (unashamedly I might add) an entire section dedicated to gender, sex, and sexuality books.  On yet another of my family’s recent pilgrimage to Dallas I headed for the LGBTQ Studies after cleaning up in the dollar section, and my cart filled up within a space of five minutes.  Most of my books were studies of queer male sexuality or their history and so when I spotted I Like it Like That: True Stories of Gay Male Desire it was just one of the many books in the pile.  It was a few minutes later when I was vetting my pile that I took the time to figure out what I was buying, and after reading just the back cover I knew I had to own this book.

I Like It Like That is not just a collection of testimonials for I’ve read and still own several books like that.  Most books about queer men tend either to be outright pornography, or else testimonials about their first time or about their coming out.  Books like that are valuable and should be read and studied, tumblr_ohxfbxqo3g1tkjvpco2_1280but again there was always something missing for me whenever I read them.  The way my own mind works I always prefer a work that takes the time to introspect or analyze a condition or situation.  The men writing their personal essays are not just describing their sex life, they’re offering assessments and deeper understandings of what sex has meant to them, or how it has changed their life, or shown in what way they have explored or expressed their sexuality.  Each essay acts alone and independently from the other, but while reading this book each essay feels like it’s is arranged in reaction to others so at times the book is like reading a group of men talking together about their sexuality.  The best part about the collection however is the actual range of sexual expressions that are understood and discussed.  One article titles Tom Selleck’s Mustache is one man’s realization that he possesses a fetish for mustache’s in general and therefore kissing men with mustache’s is his favorite erotic act.  Another essay, which is in fact a comic strip, titled Amanuensis is a short story about a top who helps two husbands who are both bottoms.  Big Black Daddy-Dick, or The Joys of Being Fetishized is really everything the title suggests as a middle aged black man explores Gay-Guys-Pahing-On-The-Fencethe pleasure derived from others who look at him and his dick in a kind of worship.  Bathhouse Desires covers the territory of a man visiting a bath house for the first time and feeling lost in lust and desire.  Straight Guy Fetish explores a personal essay of a man caught in a one sided relationship with a straight man.  And finally Evil Bear Man is a comic strip about a man who works as a fetish escort and has sex with his boyfriend in front of his client dressed up as Batman and Robin.

This last one, for the record, is my favorite only because I couldn’t stop laughing while reading it.

This basic list serves to demonstrate what an odd and wonderful book I Like it Like That really is for the reader interested in exploring libidos.  Reading these essays feels so personal because too often the subject of sex is something that is hushed up or hidden.  But something powerful happens when a writer opens their secret heart and shows you something.  To wit, observe just one passage from the essay The Weight of My Desire:

I like men.  And I like that I like men.  But more than that, I like that you like them too.  […]  Sometimes, I think, the only thing greater than my desire for a man is my desire for his hunger.  Do you know what I mean?  His yearning to touch, couple-hug-x750_1or be touched by, another man.  His willingness.  His lust.  His lack of inhibition.  The thought that maybe just the book of another man’s smile is enough to get him hard.  That perhaps even you might think of me and quiver.  That I might hold the power to do that to you.  Then I could pull you close, press your forehead into mine, and gaze into your eyes as we fuck.  And in your eyes I will see that you like it.  I will hear it on your warm breath and in the wet sound of your tongue on my skin.  We are not that different, you and I.  Your balls ache the way mine do.  (207-8).

It’s incredibly painful to me how long it took for me to be able to read the first two sentences and agree with them.  For the longest time I hid behind the random imitation of the “fairy” whenever the issue of same-sex intimacy between two men was brought up.  Whenever I would discuss Benedict Cumberbatch or Michael Fassbender I would become fay and limp-wristed and raise my voice to sigh dreamily.  I still sigh dreamily after Michael Fassbender for the record because…because…Ahem

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Ahem.  And Jason Moma is…

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…well…yeah.  The point is though while reading this passage I recognized the similar physical sentiment, “your balls ache the way mine do,” but I also recognized how much I had grown into my own comfort of my sexuality.  Being attracted to another man wasn’t funny, or at least wasn’t just funny.  It could also be real, and it could also be something to enjoy about myself.

Having said that though humor is important especially when dealing with sex.  That’s why Evil Bear Man is without doubt my favorite essay in the collection.  The fact that it’s also nothing but comics doesn’t hurt either.

The essay is about a fetish escort who gets paid by one of his clients to dress up as Robin and “break in” to his apartment so his client can pretend to be a villain by the name of Evil Bear Man.  Evil Bear Man’s evil scheme?  To force Batman and Robin to fuck.20170310_100451

With the help of his boyfriend, who plays the role of Batman, the pair of them eventually play out the fantasy for the client who enjoys a nice, quick wank.  The description is enough to make even the most patient and open-minded reader to stop and ask the question: why should I be giving a damn about this.  With the incorporation of images this moment sounds like nothing but pornography?  But looking back over the essay again I can counter this immediately.  Pornography is designed to titillate and arouse the viewer and/or reader of the work.  Evil Bear Man works to occasionally arouse the reader, but often Justin Hall, the writer and illustrator who’s work I have appreciated in other books such as Boy Trouble and True Porn, breaks the serious erotic’s to show small moments of humility.  His boyfriend complains about the utility belt, on the way over a kid tells him that the Robin outfit looks gay, after the client has paid he hopes the pair of them don’t laugh too hard and of course they do, and at the end the pair of them eventually continue to fuck in the outfits while the onomatopoeias of BLAM, WHAM, and KER-POW pop up between the phrases “Take it.”  Anyone who watched the old Adam West Batman like I did surely remembers this and having them subverted, or perverted if you prefer, was funny and charming.20170310_100501

The point is while the reader observes this small tale they explore the fantasy of the client and observe how the escort and his boyfriend eventually perpetuate it, both together, and also to the reader.  The individual reading the book I Like It Like That, is most likely someone who will derive some kind of erotic interests from the essays being presented and so there’s an invitation to not only observe the little distractions that can take place during sex (you always wind up placing your weight on their hair for some reason), but also to see if maybe some part of you isn’t also slightly turned on by watching Batman and Robin fuck.

I’ve never had a Batman fetish myself, and I still don’t.  However, studies of tumblr have demonstrated that even without my participation this fantasy will continue into the future.

I’ve probably said more than I need to in order to the pique the interest of the reader who’s willing to sink $20 into a nice slim little book of erotic essays, but as always my point in these writings isn’t just to review books.  Anyone who wants a quick review should try Goodreads.  These essays are about my own exploration and so I prepare for my contester who interrupts me to ask, “Why should I bother picking this book up?  I’m not gay, I’ve never had any gay feelings.  Why should I waste my time reading about a bunch of gay men having sex?”06f883c309bf8425d0c63f17c6f9778d

To this criticism I really don’t have much of a defense.  If you’re a straight guy this book probably doesn’t offer much for you.  I’m sorry but that’s where it stands.  Though it should be noted that there is a small populace that call themselves straight who engage in same-sex activity, but that’s for a later essay.

Buying the book, and taking the time to write this out I wasn’t really writing for straight men.  I wasn’t writing for gay men either.  And in fact I wasn’t writing to any men at all, simply myself.  As I noted before, my bisexuality is an odd creature because it can only exist in an odd erotic space.  Because I don’t want to cheat on my wife, but because I also am unwilling to hide my, what Alison Bechdel calls in her brilliant graphic novel Fun Home “Erotic Truth,” this books is a real gift.  It affords me the space to explore my sexual feelings towards other men without violating my marriage or without making me feel guilty.

And, along with helping me find my sexual self, it also affords me a few opportunities to think.  Such as the following passage from the essay The Truth of His Nakedness:

It wasn’t about sex.  Until it was.  But it took me years to realize that nothing had really changed.  These days, my nakedness is usually reserved for sexual pride-day-boudensituations, but that only reinforces the point—the erotic space is the same.  The erotic space is the space of unavoidable truth.  The erotic space is who I am.

[…]

In the end, all there is nakedness: two bodies coming together, sharing their common humanity, their naked vulnerability, the ultimate truth that we are not alone.  (184-5).

The essays in I Like it Like That, much like this review/reflection of the entire book, finds its heart in the preceding passage because everything about these essays is about nakedness.  “Naked” as a word always suggests vulnerability and by exposing your body, and by extension your desire to another person there is always a risk.  Writing these words, and publishing them on the internet for all the world to see is a risk because there will always come those who will reject my desire, and by extension my person in general.  I’ve listened to horror stories from some of my friends in the queer community and so I do not write and publish this essay without some reservation.  It would be a mistake though to suggest that this was purely about the actual act of sex, because these essays prove sex is not only about the act of inserting something up an anus, into a mouth, or into a vagina.  Sex is 55c390fe1700002600566c5aabout a space in which desire is allowed to breath and be and the only way for a person to figure out what they “like” is to find some kind of space in which to work with.

Queer men exist in a wonderful space in which to explore their desire, and I’m happy to contribute to it in any way I can, even if it’s just suggesting a book through this shitty blog.

Looking over these words I’ve reminded myself that the reason I’m able to be and exist is because of the agency and space I possess.  Others aren’t nearly so lucky.  I’ll probably never have sex with another man, and while there is some sadness in this declaration there is still a happiness in recognizing I have enough “space” to openly acknowledge it’s still something I would like.

And if that “space” should ever include Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch, well, I mean, I wouldn’t complain.  Would you?

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