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So much can happen and change over the course of a year.  That’s the stuff of sentimental platitudes, but I’m writing my yearly reflection essay since the anniversary of this shitty-blog is today.  And, as always, when I write about White Tower Musings and writings, I tend to get either mopey or maudlin.  But in this case so much has actually happened over the course of a year and so I wanted to take a moment and really reflect on what has happened.

My regular reader will have determined at this point that I’ve graduated college and started working at the Tyler Public Library.  I say this with no hyperbole, this job has saved my life.  Part of the life changes that have occurred since last year was graduated from college with my master’s degree and then figuring out what was next.  I flourished in graduate school because, I say this without any ego here, I was one of the good students who gave a shit and so I managed to succeed.  tumblr_mx8slk5lha1sirxiro4_1280What I didn’t realize was happening was that I was making myself, in my head, into something I wasn’t.  Instead preparing myself for life after college I clung to school never wanting to leave.  This in turn created the idea in my head that I was going to be a college professor, teaching English and writing and hopefully literature to freshmen and sophomore students.  But that didn’t happen, or at least, not right away, and so for a period of about five of six months I sat in my house, living off the money I had saved from work, occasionally going out and having coffee with friends, desperate for work.  When an offer finally came from a local community college I snapped it up imagining that teaching would make me happy, or, to be honest, that I would find a group of people like the one I had in graduate school or the writing center at UT Tyler.  This was anything but and I realized quickly that I had sold the idea of teaching college to myself because I was an egoist.  I thought that teaching would make me happy because it would be a chance for me to flex my intellectual muscle and that I would change people’s lives.  I might have succeeded in the latter, but it became observable fairly quickly that I wasn’t a great teacher, I was, at best, passable.16300

But these birthday essays are always about metacognition, or, thinking about thinking.  While I was teaching I was also still writing for White Tower Musings, and these essays tended to be my lifeboat.  They kept me happy, or, at least, they gave me an outlet from which I could focus away from the frustrations of day to day reality.  I wasn’t always thinking about the students, and if I was thinking about them it usually wasn’t positive thoughts.  And then the suicidal feelings kicked in.

All of these thoughts, all of these feelings are still with me (it’s only been a about seven months since I quit my job at the college and started working for the library) but as I continue to wake up everyday and try to get in my 300 words I realize what this site has really meant for me.  But I still think about the students in that class, specifically what I failed to convey and instill in them which is that writing and writers really can enact change.516p7aKXjZL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_

About a year or two back the graphic novel book club that I’m a part of got around to reading a book entitled Transmetropolitan.  It was a science fiction “dystopian” story about a reporter named Spider Jerusalem who has retreated to the mountains where’s he disappeared from society.  His publisher tracks him down and informs him that he owes them two books or else they will track him down and sue him into a state of emotional, physical, and psychological poverty.  Jerusalem comes down from the mountain and returns to “The City.”  This nameless urban territory is impossible to describe largely because Warren Ellis and Darrick Robertson manage to assault the reader with near constant bombardments.  In “The City” there are advertisements for the President, family cannibal restaurants, the famous kids cartoon show “Sex Puppets,” religious organizations with titles like “fuck the Holy Gut Wound of St. Marc” and “Thor Needs Virgins,” hostels for de-frozen cryogenic patrons, and I could literally fill pages with all the back-ground that Spider Jerusalem encounters.

The book is broken up into a ten part series and, apart from its eerie similarity to the 2016 United States Presidential election, I’ve started reading the books one by one and am currently working through number 7, and while transmet-1-65
I would love to sit down and write reviews of every book I’ve come to recognize that such impulses are largely fools errands.  These essays come about because of whatever I’m feeling or thinking about at a certain time, and as my “third birthday” comes around Transmetropolitan has reminded me about the power of writing because of one small scene in the first book.

Spider Jerusalem is writing a column about a Police Riot that is attacking a group of people known as Transients, human beings that have blended their DNA with that of aliens.  Jerusalem manages to sneak into the riot, get to the roof of a strip-club, and there, surrounded by strippers, he starts to write.

There’s a jungle rhythm beating out below me; the sound of truncheons hammering on riot shields, police tradition when the streets get nasty.  I’m in Angels 8, above what will doubtless be called the Transient Riot. History’s only written by the winners, after all, and if the cops want it called the Transient Riot, then that’s how it’ll be.transmet4

Because there’s going to be Transient blood all over the place.  And you know something?  It’s not their fault.

The Transients couldn’t have managed this on their own.  They’re just big kids who thought it’d be fun to live inside an alien body.  A sane society would’ve tagged them for the waterheads they are and bought them a big playground.  But no one even checked to see if their silly claim for succession was feasible.  Civic Center just decided to stamp on them instead.  They payed a few Transients off to start some trouble, deliberately marring a non-violent demonstration.  Spontaneous violence, the only excuse Civic Center would have to send in the riot cops.  These people are bleeding down there for a scam.

It’s a show of power.  How dare anybody ignore the authority of Civic Center?  How dare a bunch of freaks try and think for themselves.  So let’s go out and stomp on children, lunatics and incompetent, because by damn it makes out balls feel big.  I can see a blatantly unarmed Transient unarmed man with half his face hanging off, and three cops working him over anyway.

One of them is groping his own erection.

I’m sorry is that too harsh an observation for you.  Does that sound too much like the Truth?  If anyone in this shithole city gave two tugs of a dead dog’s cock about Truth, this wouldn’t be happening.  I wouldn’t be seeing a Transient woman with blood on her face huddled in a porn-store doorway, clutching her belly.  I wouldn’t be looking down at a dead boy, thirteen, he’s a day, e2e561bdcf03906af6118ed72106ba08._SX1280_QL80_TTD_draped over the hood of a police wagon.  No one’s eyes would be bleeding from incapacity sprays of the nerve bomblets the cops are launching from Cranberry.  I wouldn’t be surrounded up here by the people who have to live and work here, weeping openly.

Enjoying this?  You like the way I describe disgusting shit happening to people you probably walked past in the street last week?  Good.  You earned it.  With your silence.  You see, here’s how it works; Civic Center and the cops do what the fuck they like, and you sit still.  Your boss does what he likes.  The asshole at the tollbooth, the bouncer at your local bar, the security guy who frisks you ate the clinic, the papers and feedsites that lie to you for the hell of it.  They do what they like.  And what do you do?  You pay them.

This “riot” here, this terrible shit-rain visited upon a bunch of naïve and uppity fetishists; you paid for it.  Lap it up. You must like it when people in authority they never earned lie to you.  (62-7).Transmet1

This was a rather long passage and partly because it was so long my contester will interrupt.  What relevance does this passage have to anything or anyone?  It just sounds like a bunch of sci-fi bullshit that doesn’t have any real connection to real life.  Why should I give a damn about Spider Jerusalem or a bunch of alien-human hybrids?

My reader has a good point, and while I could answer it directly I’d prefer to let another writer do most of the work for me.  Ursula K. Le Guin is an author I’ve only recently discovered but already she’s secured a place in my heart for her essays about the craft of writing and the importance of science fiction.  In the introduction of her novel The Left Hand of Darkness she explores the idea of science fiction and what it can do:Future-shock

This book is not extrapolative. If you like you can read it, and a lot of other science fiction, as a thought-experiment. Let’s say (says Mary Shelley) that a young doctor creates a human being in his laboratory; let’s say (says Philip K. Dick) that the Allies lost the second world war; let’s say this or that is such and so, and see what happens…. In a story so conceived, the moral complexity proper to the modern novel need not be sacrificed, nor is there any built-in dead end; thought and intuition can move freely within bounds set only by the terms of the experiment, which may be very large indeed. The purpose of a thought-experiment, as the term was used by Schrodinger and other physicists, is not to predict the future – indeed Schrodinger’s most famous thought-experiment goes to show that the “future,” on the quantum level, cannot be predicted- but to describe reality, the present world.757086._SX540_

Transmetropolitan is a science fiction story because it predicts a future where technology has led to opportunity and comfort, but by and large Warren Ellis writes the world in such a way that capitalism and urbanization has led to a kind of cultural explosion where every conceivable taboo is relinquished and human beings are a mass of apathetic sensualists who are either dead inside or else completely oblivious to the suffering of other people.

And where does metacognition come into it?

In the last three years I’ve watched my country change into something odd.  Protests are becoming far more common, and tragically so is police action against such protests.  In the last three years the social role of journalists seems to have improved, trans_itsjournalismbut by that same token the populace is splintered by their “news preferences” which has led to some institutions being labeled “fake news.”  In the last three years the issue of race has become something that has invigorated social rights activists, and by the same measure “white-lashing” has increased as bigots have warped and twisted political slogans and mantras into something that benefits their own ideologies.  In the last three years there have been enormous political and social strides for queer people, and at the same time political actions hellbent on labeling queer people as perverts and cretins has never been stronger.

Absorbing my culture I think back to the image of Spider Jerusalem perched on the roof writing his column.  It’s a simple image, but one that has become iconic.  The writer and their typewriter, or laptop if you prefer something more contemporary, represents intellectual activity, but it also tends to become synonymous with change and power.  Writers observe and absorb their cultures before writing their take which can often translate exactly what people are thinking or feeling and inspire change.

Looking at the last lines in the film All the President’s Men you get a sense for what’s possible when writer’s do their job right:Transmetropolitan Writing

Ben Bradlee: You know the results of the latest Gallup Poll? Half the country never even heard of the word Watergate. Nobody gives a shit. You guys are probably pretty tired, right? Well, you should be. Go on home, get a nice hot bath. Rest up… 15 minutes. Then get your asses back in gear. We’re under a lot of pressure, you know, and you put us there. Nothing’s riding on this except the, uh, first amendment to the Constitution, freedom of the press, and maybe the future of the country. Not that any of that matters, but if you guys fuck up again, I’m going to get mad. Goodnight.

But what does any of that have to do with my shitty blog?

I don’t enact change, real change anyway.  Most of my stats demonstrate that most the people who find this site are people looking for pornography or else help writing papers for their English 1301 course.  I’ve said this all before in previous Happy Birthday essays, but it warrants repeating because after three years I realize I fucked up tremendously with those students because of my selfishness.  I’ve bought into the idea that I’m a great writer, and while I do have some talent, the reality is what I’ve said it is:  I’m just another nobody with a shitty blog.transmetro-1

But even if I haven’t accomplished something of great merit, I can rest on the fact that I’ve written and brought attention to other great writers whose work has and will continue to inspire the next generation of young thinkers and skeptics and journalists and novelist who will look at the world and see something wrong or beautiful and want to write about it.

I’ve thought more and more that I would love to publish the essays here as a book and title it The Work Thus Far.  It seems fitting.  No matter how many books I read, no matter how many essays I write, it never feels like there’s a real end.  The writer, the Great Man, sits at his keyboard typing words out and throwing them into the great sea of the internet hoping somebody out there will care.  The writer writes, and in the end that’s all I could ever really ask for.

Thanks for three years dear reader.




*Writer’s Note*

All quotes from Transmetropolitan Vol 1 were taken from the Vertigo paperback edition.  The quote from All the President’s Men was provided by IMBD.  The quote from Ursula Le Guin’s Introduction to The Left Hand of Darkness can be found by following the link below: